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[02 Jan 2005|12:43am] |
okay. the new journal is..
www.livejournal.com/~ussery
its me. thats all.
add ussery to your friends lists right this instant.
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[02 Jan 2005|12:09am] |
i want a new journal.
for the new year.. how's that sound?
gone away with all the crap.. all the drama.. that was written in this one.
i'll be back with a new one...
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[30 Dec 2004|08:47pm] |
1) i dropped my phone in the toilet.
2) i'm using an old one that has some weird service (its still my number)
3) so leave a message if you need me and i try to check them often and i'll get back to you.
dont drop your phone in the toilet.
last... i ask for prayer.
please.
heres a plan:
how about we all fight to knock down the walls of religion.
it is what blinds so many people from the love of Christ.
they see rules and restrictions
hypocrites and fakes
how about we show them the truth?
its what we are called to do.
show Christ's love by the way you act. the things you do. what you say.
yeah, talk about Him. but have what you say match who you are.
this applies to me too.. i've made some pretty dumb decisions.
<3 again.. prayer.
mal
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| bah humbug |
[24 Dec 2004|09:18pm] |
People see Christmas as a time to share with friends, open gifts, eat ham, or maybe turkey, i dont care, light a fire, drink hot chocolate, wear a santa hat, lie to little kids that santa is coming, and greed.
see the picture that was just created in your head?
here... take this hammer...
okay, now SHATTER THE FREAKING PICTURE AND IF YOU DONT, I WILL.
i hate it.
its Jesus, people... ITS JESUS.
HIM AND ONLY HIM. stop LYING to yourself and throw that mug of hot chocolate across the room.
bow before Him and love. thank.
here... i wrote this wednesday before church at Books-a-Million.
i find that all i want, no, NEED right now is to know You more
i dont want to go to church and be hugged and to see everyone
i want to go to be led through Your Word
i want to go to sing to You and forget the fact that my voice
is not 'good' in the world's eyes.
i want to remove, gouge out, blind the eys that the world has put in me
and allow the eyes that You have given me to truly see.
my ears hear the squeaking of the black man shifting
himself around in the chair diagonal from me
i hear the 'christmas' music played over the speakers in the ceiling
"It's Christmas time, alright!"
the woman sang
spend your money at the mall
see your friends
spend time with family
theres a feeling in the air.
oh is there?
i'll stick a pencil, no this pen, in my ears.
i dont want to hear that CRAP
i want to hear You and only You
Actually, i am hearing You God.
You just spoke to me through my reaction to that music.
it took that threat to make me realize that You speak through what we CAN see and HEAR.
so we DO have these ears and eyes for a reason.
his squeaking and this horn that is making my foot twirl.
oh, the diagonal man is gone.
i didnt see/hear him go.
i have been wanting a little Message Bible. do they have those here?
(i looked behind me after writing this and found them, right behind me)
i've got a bandage on my hand.
and
i'm
done.
heres some more..
He finds the rain annoying and he states that he hates it.
Personally, I love the rain and it doesn't bother me one bit.
heres more.
why do we try to carve ourselves in to what we want to be when we arent the artists?
thats like me taking a nail file to Michelangelo's Pieta and trying to shape it like i want it to look.
why do we take these knives to our skin, and my skin i mean soul?
when they only ruin us.
heres an old saying, but it gets to the point..
Jesus is the reason for the season.
THE ONLY REASON.
(remember, i've got a hammer.)
love. mal.
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| ibuczul |
[14 Dec 2004|12:29pm] |
|
in art again.
i just got taken out of class by my friend to get a picture for the yearbook.
i hate high school.
i've got a bruise on my hand.
my hands are clean, by way of hand sanitizer Collier has on his desk.
but they arent clean.
i will learn how to knit soon.
he said everything that i want to say, so i dont feel like saying it now.
i am ready to change. and i will.
i will change.
i see an essay that we had to take in art a couple days ago.
its by Tiffany Haines and she indented way too much.
that bothers me.
she skipped half of the line to start a flippin paragraph.
bye.
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| masking tape. |
[13 Dec 2004|12:19pm] |
i am in art. in the teacher's office.
i couldnt sit and listen to the girl talk anymore so i got up and drew a yellow arrow on a peice of paper. pointing to her.
i dont like to cry. i dont like when people see me cry.
why is it that we feel tears are a sign of weakness? we are weak.
i dont want to waste anymore time here. i dont want to sit on my hands and listen to crap.
tears come to my eyes when i think of him. i cant tell if they are tears of pain, of joy, of heartbreak, of anticipation.
i really dont know.
all i know is that i want change.
the Lord knows my heart, my desire for change and He gave me this..
collossians 3:1-17
thank You Father.
i have been humbled by this trial i face.
it stare at me and all i want to do win this contest.
i want to be able to stare right back at it until it disappears.
but, i continually blink and stare at the ground.
i wont hit it, my hands are too wet with sweat from fear and apprehension.
plus, theyre pressed between my thighs and the cold seat i sit in. remember?
i see joan queen's number on a little dry erase board in here.
i love and miss mama jo.
but most of all i miss him. oh, snap.
i want to create something beautiful.
i want to feel beautiful. not on the exterior, but inside.
inside these walls. i've built them higher and higher.
i think, i need to knock these down. but then i add another brick.
he's the one who can see through them. him and God.
and thats why i need to be near him so much.
i feel like a freak.
im sorry.
i guess i will go talk to ms. hamilton or something. better than sitting at a table listening to that girl talk about big teddy bears and candy coal from north georgia.
i'd rather be There.
mallorybrooke.
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| here. |
[04 Dec 2004|01:48am] |
i cant even speak.i cant even SAY whats rushing through my head.
CHAOS.
i DO want change! why am i not DOING anything about it?
i know God's waiting on me, He's waiting for all three of us to step out and DO it.
do WHAT?
its a cycle. over and over.
lab partner. i lit it. he watched me light it. he dragged his arm across it and it caught on fire.
tiger meow? WHAT?!
ruel, i need you here. NEED. i need to be near you. i need to talk to you, NOW.
i feel as if ive taken off my gloves and stuck my hands into what ive always been surrounded by, but never felt.
again,
my eyes dont even see. my ears dont ever hear. my hands dont even touch. my tongue doesnt even taste.
'youre a rebel.'
'no, im only stubborn.'
am i a rebel?
i guess i am.
okay.
i sleep to escape my problems. something my subconcious is facing. wanting to make itself know.. but i hide.
God, what is it that You want me to know. i need to know, i know. otherwise this Thing will hit me harder than i can ever know.
i just hid in my hoodie without thinking about it till sean said 'what are you doing?' and i said, without thinking 'hiding'.
'from what?'
'i dont really know.'
sofarimdone,
mallorybrooklynussery.
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| Chub. |
[30 Nov 2004|06:20pm] |
1, 2, 3, 4.
they go on.
forever
Mallory. What are you searching for?
What do you need?
The denim is being held between your knees.
Your hands are shaking.
Your blood is racing.
Your spirit and mind being held down.
Tied down.
i'm set free.
slipping away, slowly.
twitch.
hmm, i was lookin through my moleskine journal and i found that.
i know i wrote it. but i cant remember when.
i was out in one of my..
fugues?
no, of course not.
sleep?
not that simple.
i dont know. but i like them.
satan's lying to me.
doing what he does best.
he's telling me i'm lonely.
i'm not lonely.
jesus is whispering.
doing what He does best.
He's telling me truth.
i'm not lonely.
eventually, His voice will grow lounder. and no longer will it be a whisper.
but a shout. a yell. telling me to 'GO ON! I'VE GOT YOUR HAND!'
and i will yell along with Him. 'YES, JESUS. YES! I'VE GOT YOUR HAND!'
what a glorious day.
Thank You, God.
malbrooke.
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| without Him, you're dead, at the bottom of the sea. you aren't drowning. you're dead. |
[29 Nov 2004|05:05pm] |
spiritually.
God is love, and love is real.
i'm tired, physically, emotionally. but not spiritually.
I still pray for change. for direction in this chaos.
and i pray for them.
i'll stop saying that word. i got shot in the shin for it.
but most importantly, i made a lovely friend mad. and i'm sure it doesn't make God smile.
i feel as if i am being held down.
my spirit wants to explode from this worn out body.
i dont like to cry, and im sorry you had to see me do it.
thank you for you, sean cunningham.
you are a gift from God. one that i will cherish forever.
it seems i only wake up when i'm asleep.
these eyes are faulty, aren't they?
Naked I came from my mother's womb,
naked I'll return to the womb of the earth.
GOD gives, GOD takes.
God's name be ever blessed.
job 1:21
tell me what you're thinking right this second.
don't hold anything back.
please.
mal
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| okay, then i prob will too. |
[20 Nov 2004|01:38pm] |
'Honey, i HAD the water on for a reason.'
family is here. lots of fun.
were gonna have an excellent lunch for thanksgiving.
speaking of excellent.. last night was.
had some good friends come over and watch Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind.
it was laid-back, simple fun.
'SHOVE OFF!'
God is just.. no not just.. but WAY MORE THAN amazing!
every second, He's revealing so many things to me.
i am glad that i obeyed Him in what He told me to do.
He's Got It. He knows what He is doing.
<3 man.. God, You.. You are.. i cant even find the words.
I HAVE FAITH.
pray for me guys.. thanks so much for those who have been. i feel it.
<3mal
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| 47 |
[18 Nov 2004|09:46pm] |
sancteSpirtus: KILLER
DancexisxRomance: BABIES
sancteSpirtus: HARVEST
DancexisxRomance: MULTIPLE
sancteSpirtus: GLASSES
DancexisxRomance: DURING
sancteSpirtus: SPRING.
DancexisxRomance: BUT
sancteSpirtus: NEVERTHELESS
DancexisxRomance: THERE
sancteSpirtus: WAS
DancexisxRomance: NONSTOP
sancteSpirtus: CHAOS
DancexisxRomance: WHICH
sancteSpirtus: YEANRS
sancteSpirtus: YEARNS*
DancexisxRomance: TOWARDS
sancteSpirtus: DOLLHOUSE-TERROR
DancexisxRomance: SO
sancteSpirtus: THE POPE
DancexisxRomance: CUT
sancteSpirtus: NIGGERS
DancexisxRomance: IN-HALF
DancexisxRomance: .
sancteSpirtus: KAYNE WEST
DancexisxRomance: WILL
sancteSpirtus: SAY
DancexisxRomance: SCREW
sancteSpirtus: BANGS
DancexisxRomance: AND
sancteSpirtus: HOTDOGS
DancexisxRomance: FOREVER!
sancteSpirtus: AW
DancexisxRomance: SNAP,
sancteSpirtus: I
DancexisxRomance: WILL
sancteSpirtus: CHOMP
DancexisxRomance: THIS
sancteSpirtus: GHETTO
DancexisxRomance: FIESTA
sancteSpirtus: ACCELERATES
DancexisxRomance: NINTIES.
sancteSpirtus: LIGHTBULBS
DancexisxRomance: SHINE
sancteSpirtus: CHICAGO-BRIGHT
DancexisxRomance: STYLE
sancteSpirtus: LIKE
DancexisxRomance: MY
sancteSpirtus: BUTTOX.
sancteSpirtus: the end.
DancexisxRomance: GOOD
thanks jill.
God is amazing. He is using me, yet He is using those that He is using me for.. to help.
get it?
read romans 12.
and have a fantastic weekend.
<3
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[16 Nov 2004|10:07pm] |
Heres to my new hair cut....
sancteSpirtus: JILL
DancexisxRomance: MALLORY
sancteSpirtus: AND
DancexisxRomance: DOLPHINS
sancteSpirtus: GALLOP
DancexisxRomance: ALONG
sancteSpirtus: A
DancexisxRomance: WIDE
sancteSpirtus: VALLEY
DancexisxRomance: .
sancteSpirtus: INBETWEEN
DancexisxRomance: THERE
sancteSpirtus: ,
DancexisxRomance: ARE
sancteSpirtus: DEPOSITS
DancexisxRomance: OF
sancteSpirtus: BREAST-FAT
DancexisxRomance: THAT
sancteSpirtus: LUMPED
DancexisxRomance: OVER
sancteSpirtus: DRY
DancexisxRomance: CLIFFS.
sancteSpirtus: IGNORANT
DancexisxRomance: BABIES
sancteSpirtus: HAVE
DancexisxRomance: NIPPLES
sancteSpirtus: THAT
DancexisxRomance: DEAD
sancteSpirtus: LEPORDS
DancexisxRomance: love.
sancteSpirtus: SQUEEZE
DancexisxRomance: MY
sancteSpirtus: BU-DUMP-PA-DUMP
DancexisxRomance: FRICKER.
sancteSpirtus: EVE
DancexisxRomance: WILL
sancteSpirtus: SAY,
sancteSpirtus: "
DancexisxRomance: CHICAGO
sancteSpirtus: IS
DancexisxRomance: MY
sancteSpirtus: HOME."
jill, oh how i love you my dear.
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| 0 CHOLESTEROL |
[16 Nov 2004|04:19pm] |
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change.
i want it so bad.
i long for it.
i am drowning in my routine.
every day's the same.
time to switch things up.
i find things to do over the one thing that is most important; spending time with my Maker. my Best Friend.
fca last night:
i couldn't sing "i'm madly in love with you".
i wouldn't sing it.
i wont sing what isn't true. God doesn't want to hear me lie to his face.
He doesnt want to be slapped in the face.
yet that is what i do everyday.
i want to desire Him. i want Him to be the love of my life.
i need to put aside everything. everything.
im not ready for all of that.
first, i've got to put Him number one of my list.
He has to be my rock. the Firm, everlasting foundation that i can build onto and not worry about them tumbling and crashing.
change.
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[14 Nov 2004|05:11pm] |
i want change.
i dont like myself right now.
i dont like anything.
these jeans are too tight.
my hair is fluffy.
these shoes are so old and they stink.
i have too much eyeliner on.
and God loves me.
and you.
i think i want my hair cut in the front guys...
its getting annoying. i wont cut it short in the back and stuff... but uhghghhg.
it feels wonderful outside.
Thank You God.
He sees beauty and perfection where i see ugliness and every flaw.
mallorybrooke
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| Tootsie Roll |
[09 Nov 2004|08:47pm] |
God's been showing me many things.
He's putting me through things that i know, in the end, will only make me stronger.
life is fraglie.
i like 5th period art, where i can do what i love. go blind for a little while.
i look forward to it.
<3
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[03 Nov 2004|01:18pm] |
i listened to them talk behind me.
saying things like 'uhhhhgg! he's soooo hott! man his butt is just PERFECT. his body... ooh man...'
i just tuned them out and when she tapped me on the shoulder, i turned and lifted my eyesbrows, as if asking 'yes?'
she spoke the words that are so typical of girls these days.
'have you seen his BUTT?'
'i really dont care about butts.'
'HA well i sure do and maaaan..'
she turned and faced the other to continue elaborating on The Butt, and The Body.
i really am thankful for my deepness. and the blessing of seeing more than most do.
i cant stay there.
i almost screamed. listening to guys say pointless things over and over again until someone hears him and laughs.
well i heard the first time. i always do. and im not laughing. im going insane.
Thank You, God. For them, yes. for everyone. For this awareness.
And Lord... please, remind me constantly to use it to glorify You.
im going to get an iPod.
im now 16.. though i feel 20.
<3
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[02 Nov 2004|04:25pm] |
somehow my feet carried me upstairs and i fell against my bed.
crying out spiritually for God to change me.
my cats paws on my abdomen helped to secure mt world. the pressure was welcome.
thank you God.
i read some psalms.
God took my spirit to rest and as He did so my physical body soon rested also.
i fell asleep.
i awoke soon after with Numbers 8 on my lips and mind. so i straightened myself and reached for the Word of God. i turned to numbers 8.
Lord, i will purify myself for You.
i will receive Your everlasting sacrifice and He will purify me.
i am made clean.
new.
changed.
thank You, Lord. Father, Cleanser. Eraser.
My All.
Thank you.
You set me down gently, and i awoke with a fresh out look.
i am eating a burrito because i will not bow down to this world's veiw of beauty any longer. Lord, you made me who i am for a reason and God, you will use me as i am.
thank you. i cry thank you.
Psalm 92
A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day.
1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 to proclaim your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,
3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
and the melody of the harp.
4 For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD ;
I sing for joy at the works of your hands.
5 How great are your works, O LORD ,
how profound your thoughts!
6 The senseless man does not know,
fools do not understand,
7 that though the wicked spring up like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they will be forever destroyed.
8 But you, O LORD , are exalted forever.
9 For surely your enemies, O LORD ,
surely your enemies will perish;
all evildoers will be scattered.
10 You have exalted my horn [1] like that of a wild ox;
fine oils have been poured upon me.
11 My eyes have seen the defeat of my adversaries;
my ears have heard the rout of my wicked foes.
12 The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;
13 planted in the house of the LORD ,
they will flourish in the courts of our God.
14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green,
15 proclaiming, "The LORD is upright;
he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."
Psalm 118
1 Give thanks to the LORD , for he is good;
his love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."
3 Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."
4 Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."
5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD ,
and he answered by setting me free.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.
10 All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
11 They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
12 They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the LORD I cut them off.
13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
15 Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!
16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
18 The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
19 Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD .
20 This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.
21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.
22 The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;
23 the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
24 This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 O LORD , save us;
O LORD , grant us success.
26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD .
From the house of the LORD we bless you. [1]
27 The LORD is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession
up [2] to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.
29 Give thanks to the LORD , for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Lord. Thank you.
<3
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[02 Nov 2004|02:55pm] |
something i saw read heard felt pulled the trigger.
i cant get it out but they are racing, racing through my mind.
pulling at my fingers and ankles
i feel the twitch.
i want to run outside. to escape. what is it that i am running from.
why do i have this feeling.
i have it when i sleep. i feel it lingering when i awake.
i lay there as it fades and it soon slips my mind or i tell myslef i had a weird dream.
i love the Lord. and i want a passion for Him that i have never had.
i want to change.
change.
thats the word. i want to find the path that
no im not done.
i want to find the path that
that
fits my feet. the lines in my feet
the shape of my toes.
my fat toes.
no im not done.
i want to be set free.
change.
it feels as if i have taken off my gloves and stuck my hands into what i have always been surrounded by but never ..felt...
change.
no im not done.
set free.
gloves..
twitching in my ankles is growing., i rock back and forth.
i am aware.
thats it. look, im aware.
God thank you.
if i were to run right now
i would run and i would black out. i know
i would wake up in a place i do not know.
so i have to go restrain myself and bury
myself
in the
Word.
change.
change
change.
change
change.
no more.
no im not done. ill never be done.
look.
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| mallory, can you turn off the bathroom light? |
[02 Nov 2004|02:29pm] |
1- God is insanly awesome. so awesome that words cannot describe Him. so AWESOMe that we cant entirely comprehend it.
2- i am done bowing down to the world's veiw of beauty and acceptence. i am DONE. i will stand up for God.
3- i am so blessed to have the friends that i do. and they threw me a surprise burfday party. my birthday is tomorrow.
4- remember, God can use you anywhere. me too. if in central, or not.
5- dont waste your money on the grudge. thanks for takin me tho jocelyn.
6- i really have a passion to read the Word and to just spend time with God. and to do my best in school. which is quite a change for me..
7- i am aware.
<3 God bless.. and list-en.. if kerry wins, or if bush wins... Gods still got the throne.
yess....
<3mal.
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| love taught me to lie. |
[30 Oct 2004|01:54am] |
'its not hard to fall when you float like a cannon ball'
damien rice.
well im at spillians.
i bleached my roots and a random chuck on the back left side. its orange/red. i like it.
homecoming is tomorrow and there better not be as much or any of the drama that was happening tonight. i hate drama.
i know i am gradually getting better.
but every once in a while the thoughts will attack me.
i have faith that this will soon be over and from it i will be able to help others thru it.
well were waking up early to do stuff and run errands. so im out loves.
surprise me with a text or call sometime. not tonight.
404 579 6767
<3 love.
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